Mr Megastar, thanks for joining us. Perhaps you could tell us why the average motor racing driver answers almost every question from a selection of about 12 stock expressions.

The boys did a great job.


The boys did a great job. It’s a credit to the team. They gave me a terrific car.

But you didn’t finish the first lap. You were classified last.

Look, I think you’ll find there’s a lot more to come from this package. We’re here to win races.

That’s something else I want to ask about … the use of the majestic plural.

Well, it’s quite simple. We got out there in the practice sessions and found our rhythm and stayed out of trouble. We didn’t make any mistakes and we were rewarded with some very impressive lap times.

We? Was there someone else in the car?

As I said, we were the people to beat early on, and we took the performance to a new level.

Could it be just false modesty: you shy away from saying ”I’m bloody good”, in favour of ”We’re a bloody good team”, even though you egocentric creatures believe it’s you that wins, and the team that loses?

It might have looked easy out there, but we were battling at every point. We worked on our strategy. We stuck to our guns.

That doesn’t really address the issue, does it?

The guys back at the factory, too. Working late every night. They’ve got every right to be proud of themselves.

But the gearbox exploded within 50 metres of the start, showering the first three rows of the Pit Row grandstand with hot metal.

Sure, it wasn’t the result we were looking for. But there’s a lot we can take away from today.

Yes, but it’s spread out fairly widely. Is there a chance of the car staying together next time?

It’s been a learning experience. We have a long road ahead of us to close the gap. But, as always, we’ll be giving it 110 per cent, driving the wheels off.

Wouldn’t it be better to keep them on?

Obviously we’ve done our homework. There’s a long way to go. It could be anyone’s championship. It’s all going to come down to the tyres.

Not if you’ve driven the wheels off. Can we talk about your disqualification for rampant cheating?

Look I’m not going to comment on these baseless …

Twice proven in a court of law …

… allegations. We can bounce back from here even stronger.

And also your recent arrest inside that club that was allegedly specialising in under-age sadomasochists?

This is a dangerous business we are involved in, and you have to give it respect. The result could have been a lot worse, all things considered. It’s not the end of our season.

Are you avoiding that question for fear of upsetting sponsors?

I’m glad you’ve mentioned them, because it’s great to have so much support from SponsorOne, SponsorTwo and (let’s not forget) SponsorThree.

But they’ve all announced they are leaving. Didn’t you read today’s paper?

Look the boys did a great job, and this one is for them. A real team effort.

You’re not listening to the questions at all, are you?

Well, that’s motor racing.

Tony Davis returns on Australia Day.

The original release of this article first appeared on the website of Hangzhou Night Net.